Apparently there is a hairy, out of control cro-magnon man living and shitting in my neck of the woods. Closer to where my bodyguard Dave lives, to be fair, but it is still disconcerting to know that there is but a short car ride between myself and a wildly defecating primitive man-beast rampaging through the forest with a goddamned seven pound club knocking three times on trees and then disappearing.
The witness submitted two photographs of the large fecal pile that he found on the trail the following day. The largest fecal piece was tubular, smooth from end to end and approximately 8 inches in length. The interior of the feces revealed numerous thin white hairs scattered throughout.
I mean, that’s some scary shit right there.